Major Arcana XIII, or the Death card, is not to suggest that I read Tarot cards. Well, not anymore anyway. The Major Arcana Card XIII is a feared card not because it signals someone’s death, but because it symbolizes change. In short, it symbolizes:
Ending of a cycle — Loss — Conclusion — Sadness
Transition into a new state — Psychological transformation
Finishing up — Regeneration — Elimination of old patterns
Being caught in the inescapable — Good-byes — Deep change
Last week, I attended the wake of a woman I didn’t know. It was still a profound experience. But at the time, I embraced that experience as a learning lesson for my son, not thinking that it was a lesson for me. I think now I may have been wrong. I think that lesson was for me.
Today, this afternoon specifically, I killed a beaver. I was devastated. I didn’t mean to. In fact, as I was driving my son #2’s friends home, I saw these two beavers — clearly a couple — starting to run across the street as I was driving. I slammed on the breaks, let the beavers cross, and was happy that they made it from the left side of the street to the right. As I looked through my passengers side window to make sure the two of them had made it to the lawn, I started to drive away. Unbeknownst to me, one of the beavers, at the last second, turned around and started to dart under my car. My heart froze as I felt my car run over the beaver. What the HELL???!!!! WHY would it turn around and dart back under the car when it had just made it to safety???!! WHY turn back and put yourself into harm’s way??!!! Stupid beaver!!!
Stupid me for not waiting long enough to make sure the beaver was actually safe.
I came home and son #1 asked me why I looked so sad. I lost it. Started crying like an idiot because I killed that beaver. I felt terrible. My son put his arms around me and just held me, told me it was ok. He said, “Don’t be sad, Mom. You tried not to kill the beavers and at least one made it.”
Once my son left the room, I contemplated how I could have been so stupid, so careless, so rash. And then I started to think, maybe it was a sign, a message. Something made manifest in the external world to make me become more aware of me and my life.
And then I thought, maybe, just maybe, this beaver incident was a metaphor for my life.
Maybe, even when I try my best to keep myself safe and insure the good outcome of choices, the reality is I can’t control life or my future. I can’t help the endings of things. And maybe, maybe I actually need to learn how to really end things. How to really let go. Maybe this beaver incident was my Death card made manifest, a sign that a cycle was ending and I was transitioning into a new state. Maybe I need to eliminate the old patterns, say goodbye, and allow myself to under through the Deep Change.
It scares me, but someone recently told me that we can get anything and everything we want, it’s just a matter of what form it arrives in and how we get it.
Today, I got the beaver incident. Today, I got the Major Arcana XIII, and upon reflection, I think I may actually be ready for what’s next.